This is a bit of a curveball post from my usual but I think it’s an important subject. It’s something I feel drawn to write. Everyone seems to be talking about Robin Williams. Inevitably the discussion of depression comes up. As I read comments on articles they are everything from condolences, to criticisms. Everyone seems to have their own opinions of what depression is. IF you don’t have depression, it would be extremely difficult to understand. Depression isn’t something you can just “snap out of”. Depression isn’t just being sad over a friend moving away. Sure it might trigger the initial onset but sometimes, nothing at all seems to trigger the downward spiral. There are some that are just in a constant state of depression and have to take each day and figure out how they’re going to get through it. Unfortunately I’ve known people like that. Many aren’t here today to add to this conversation.
I don’t always remember having depression. I remember having loads of energy and playing outside all day as a kid. I remember little things made me happy. I don’t remember the weight that is depression at that time.I don’t really remember when I started “feeling depressed” the feeling is very physical. I would bet many feel it different ways. For me, it feels like I’m locked out of my house on a dark cold rainy day, with no money, and not knowing anyone in the area and would have to wait there until I can either figure out a way to get in or find help. There’s a weight, a heaviness. There is a feeling of little hope. When it gets really bad I feel like I have no one. When I hear people say negative things to me at that time, it kind of just confirms my thoughts. I get a feeling of worthlessness at times, it just depends on what’s going on in my head at the time. I might feel like a bad mother for essentially no reason, I might feel like I suck at my job because of an unfortunate string of events, things like that. Mine is worse in the fall and winter than any other time. Used to call it seasonal depression but now it’s pretty much all the time.
I realize I’m lucky though. I’ve never really gotten to the point that I didn’t feel I would rather not be here anymore. I’ve always been able to pull myself up at some point whether on my own or talking with my doctor. My depression is not as bad as some. I don’t talk about it. I don’t want someone to overreact. Or worse, say negative things to me that just would not help the situation. Mostly I just get feelings of feeling isolated. Which is funny (not really) with having 4 kids and being married. I have a few family members close. If I went to their house they’d welcome me in. I know they would.
I’ve turned into an introvert. I wasn’t always. In elementary school I remember being thrilled to be the lead in the school play in 2nd grade. I had lots of friends and was outspoken. Then we switched elementary schools after 3rd grade. I was put in a class with hardly anyone from my old school. I felt like I was starting over. I didn’t make friends as easy here. 2 girls I thought were my friends only kept me around to have someone to make fun of. Whether it was hormones changing in everyone or whatever I was bullied through middle school. I was very skinny. I had a very high metabolism, I was active, and ate whatever I wanted. But for this reason I was bullied almost relentlessly by older girls almost my whole 7th grade year. I was called anorexic, asked if I wore clothes from the little girls department, was even threatened because a girl felt that my chair wasn’t pushed in far enough at the lunch room table, seriously, that happened. I never talked to anyone about it. I was embarrassed to be “that kid”. The girls that bullied me were much more “popular” than I. My friends distanced themselves from me at times because they didn’t want to be the next victim. I couldn’t blame them. I started withdrawing and didn’t trust anyone. Peers then started saying I was a bitch, stuck up, and anti-social. I couldn’t win. But at least being stuck up and a bitch meant people left me alone. I did have a few friends. Some I thought were friends really weren’t. Perhaps this is when it all started, I’d say it was a fair bet. I remember a convo with one peer from high school after we graduated. We never really talked in school. He told me he had liked me but was afraid to talk to me because he thought I was stuck up.
Still after reading that paragraph there will be those that say I just needed to stand up for myself, or move on, get over it. But with depression it’s not that easy. Probably my darkest point was while I was pregnant with my 2nd son. My oldest son was only about 16 months old. I found out my husband at the time was cheating on me. (Yet another betrayal) this set forth a string of events. We tried to make it work for a while but couldn’t. We were having financial issues at that time with threats of foreclosures, repossessions, our utilities had been cut off a few times. We separated, then divorced, went through a very ugly custody battle that lasted years, and also during this time my mother’s cancer not only returned but metastisized. My boys and I moved in with my parents because I couldn’t afford to go anywhere else between the cost of daycare and attorneys. My dad did most of my mom’s care giving but I needed to step in and help too. This whole part of my life was extremely overwhelming. I barely slept, I was on edge. sometimes I wondered if it really mattered if I wouldn’t be here anymore. The straw that broke the camels back was when my car was repossessed. My ex hadn’t been paying his half of the chapter 13 bankruptcy we had agreed upon. I remember collapsing on the floor just crying and crying. My parents stood over me yelling at me to knock it off or they were going to take me to the hospital.
Even with all this I’ve written. I never realized I was depressed. I just assumed I was stressed, too much on my plate. I finally decided to make a doctor’s appt. assuming I was going in to tell him I thought I was an insomniac. My conversation at my appointment went something like this:
Me: I ache all over, I can’t sleep, I have no energy and no motivation.
My doctor: “Do you have any stressers in your life right now?”
Me I couldn’t help but give a sarcastic chuckle and say “I’m going through a divorce, I’m going through a custody battle, my mom has cancer…” he stopped me, I didn’t even get into the financial dealings part.
My doctor: “That’s enough, I think you’re depressed”
I looked at him for a moment. I don’t know why I never considered I could be depressed. There was always this stigma to me, to be labeled with a mental health issue for the rest of your life. I know it’s an ignorant thought looking back but that’s honestly how I felt. My doctor said to me. “I want you to try this medication. It’s for anxiety and depression. Just try it for a few months. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to take it anymore.” I was reluctant. I wasn’t on any medications. I wasn’t keen on the idea of taking a medication daily. He assured me it was a small dose. I started taking it. Within a couple weeks, I started feeling a change. I found some motivation. I didn’t want to hide in my room. I interacted with my kids more. Even my parents told me the change they saw in me. That’s when I lost the stigma and realized making that doctor’s appointment was probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself health wise. Again, depression is different for everyone. Some never find relief with medication. I was lucky here too. I still have my dark times. I’ve learned how to deal. I’ve learned when to talk to my doctor. I do little things for pick-me-ups here and there.
That’s a snapshot of my story. Realize that you can’t just look at someone and know they’re depressed. Sometimes the assumptions we make about people are totally wrong and add to the mess. One thing I learned with my situation is you never know what others are dealing with. I try to make it a point to say something nice OUT LOUD to someone each day. In this world it seems people are much quicker to complain than compliment. People find it easier to criticize someone than to pick someone up. So bring that quiet girl at the office a cup of coffee and tell her you thought about her. Tell that mother at the playground she’s doing a great job, tell your husband you appreciate him today, fill out a feedback form at the restaurant or hospital and give a compliment to an employee by name. You never know who just might need that pick me up. You might just give someone another day.
This is what depression looks like. I don’t have to be crying or locked in my room to be depressed.
I have suffered Bi-Polar depression for over 20 years and can hardly manage it even on medication. I too was devastated to learn of Robyn Williams death. Thank you for shedding a little more light on what was considered a taboo subject
I’m sorry you to deal with Bi-Polar disorder. I’m glad you keep pushing through though. Depression can be so different for so many. I think there are a lot of people out there that have misconceptions of depression. I’ve never really written about it but felt compelled to when I saw so many comments from people that I know have no idea what it’s like. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment on my post.
Thanks for your courage in sharing this!
There are other symptoms aside from crying and unless you know all of them it would be hard to detect.
exactly. I don’t talk about my depression much but a few times in the past I’ve had someone tell me, “you don’t look depressed” as if I should be crouched in a corner crying someowhere wearing all black. It’s different for everyone. I’m lucky in that meds do help me but not everyone is so lucky
Thank you for a super article to educate those of us without depression. Although we all know someone with depression and it does help to understand what they are going through. I definitely try to do what you said “Say something nice to someone” or I help someone each day. I know it brightens my day and I do want to brighten someones day who might not be having a good day. Kindness can really matter in a persons life.
Thanks for your kind words Maryann and thank you for already spreading kindness to others. You never know when you just might make someone’s day!
Hi Angie,
I wish more people would spread cheer instead of bullying or being mean. Glad the schools near me are cracking down on Bullying.
Even though I’ve never been officially diagnosed, I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teenager. It comes and goes for me. I’ve never been on medication for it though I probably will have to be someday. My boyfriend used to tell me all the time that there was no reason I should be “depressed” and I should just snap out of it……until he became depressed himself one day and then he understood. For me, I feel like I’m alone even if I’m in a crowd of thousands of people. I don’t have much confidence and I feel like I don’t matter to people. Aside from my co-workers and people I talk to online, I have no actual friends. I have a great extended family though so that helps.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings about your depression. I have suffered from severe anxiety attacks since childhood and major depression since my teens. It is difficult for someone who hasn’t experienced it to truly understand what it is like. If I am having a really good day I hate to go to sleep at night because I am afraid I won’t feel as good tomorrow. The worst thing for me is I never have any strong emotions like love, hate, happiness or sadness. Luckily for me my family is very supportive and understanding of my needs. Without them I wouldn’t be here.